Tuesday, April 21, 2009

gems of wisdom

The following gems of wisdom were gleaned from test papers and essays from elementary, junior high, high school, and college students.
1. "Water is composed of two gins, Oxygin and Hydrogin. Oxygin is pure gin. Hydrogin is gin and water."
2. "Blood flows down one leg and up the other."
3. "Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes them perspire."
4. "Mushrooms always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas."
5. "Momentum: What you give a person when they are going away."
6. "To prevent milk from turning sour, keep it in the cow."
7. "The parts of speech are lungs and air."
8. "The inhabitants of Moscow are called Mosquitoes."
9. "A census taker is a man who goes from house to house increasing the population."
10. "Most of the houses in France are made of plaster of Paris."
11. "The spinal column is a long bunch of bones. The head sits on the top and you sit on the bottom."
12. "The word trousers is an uncommon noun because it is singular at the top and plural at the bottom."
13. "Iron was discovered because someone smelt it."
14. "Syntax is all the money collected at the church from sinners."
15. Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf he wrote loud music. He took long walks in the forest even when everyone was calling for him. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died for this.
16. The sun never set on the British Empire because the British Empire's in the East and the sun sets in the West.
17. Gravity was invented by Issac Walton. It is chiefly noticeable in the fall when the apples are falling off the trees.
18. Finally Magna Carta provided that no man should be hanged twice for the same offence.
19. After his death, his career suffered a dramatic decline.
20. Actually, Homer was not written by Homer but by another man of that name.
21. Bach was the most famous composer in the world and so was Handel. Handel was half German, half Italian and half English. He was very large.
22. The Greeks were a highly sculptured people, and without them we wouldn't have history. The Greeks also had myths. A myth is a female moth.
23. The invention of the steamboat caused a network of rivers to spring up.
24. Queen Victoria was the longest queen. She sat on a thorn for 63 years.

Recession Jokes

Ali Baba and the forty thieves are now Ali Baba thirty thieves. Ten, were laid off!Batman and Robin are now Batman and Pedro. Batman fired Robin and hired Pedro because Pedro was willing to work twice the hours at the same rate!!Iron man now "air-pooling" with Superman to save fuel costs?!!-----------------------------------------------------------------------A director decided to award a prize of Rs.1000 for the best idea for saving the company money during the recession. It was won by a young executive who suggested reducing the prize money to Rs. 100.--------------------------------------------------------------------Women finally marrying for love! And not money!The only "deposits" being made on a Ferrari are the ones made by birds flying over them.-----------------------------------------------------------------------Q: With the current market turmoil, what's the easiest way to make asmall fortune?A: Start off with a large one.Q: What's the difference between an investment banker and a large pizza?A: A large pizza can feed a family of four.Q: Why have Dubai real estate agents stopped looking out of the window in the morning?A: Because otherwise they'd have nothing to do in the afternoon.Q: What's the difference between an American and a Zimbabwean?A: In a few weeks, nothing.Q What’s the difference between a bond and a bond trader?A. A bond matures.Q. Did you hear Goldman Sachs has a new cafeteria?A. It’s called the Warren buffet.Q: What’s the Capital of Iceland?A: About 70 cents.-----------------------------------------------------------------------Update on the Japanese Banking CrisisAccording to our inside contacts the Japanese banking crisis shows no signs of ameliorating. If anything, it's getting worse.Following last week's news that Origami Bank had folded, we are hearing that Sumo Bank has gone belly up and Bonsai Bank plans to cut back some of its branches. Karaoke Bank is up for sale and is going for a song. Meanwhile, shares in Kamikaze Bank have nose-dived and 500 employees at Karate Bank got chopped. Analysts report that there is something fishy going on at Sushi Bank and some staff there fear they may get a raw deal.-----------------------------------------------------------------A concerned customer asked his stock broker if the recent market decline and volatility worried him.The broker told him that he has been sleeping like a baby.“Really?!?” replied the customer.“Absolutely,” said the broker,“I sleep for about an hour, wake up, and then cry for about an hour.”-------------------------------------------------------Recession Bumper StickerThe recession is worse than a divorce. You lose half your fortune and still have your wife.------------------------------------------------------------The Difference between Communism & CapitalismIn communism we nationalise the banks and then push them to bankruptcy. In capitalism we push the bank to bankruptcy and then nationalise them.----------------------------------------------------------------------A priest, a rabbi, and a mortgage broker were all caught in ashipwreck. Sharks were soon circling around. The sharks eat the priest. The rabbi starts praying fervently, but to no avail, as the sharks eat him as well. The mortgage broker is really getting worried, as a shark is coming for him. But instead the shark puts him on its back, carries him to shore, and lets him off. The mortgage broker asks, “How come you didn’t eat me too?” And the shark replied,“Professional Courtesy!”----------------------------------------------------------------------Money talks. Trouble is, it knows only one word: goodbye------------------------------------------------------------------------